My plan worked. Monkey LOVED the hammock, and came and found me in my hour of need and led me to a fresh water spring in the jungle! 

We are now best friends.

I bet you didn’t expect that, did you pirates? I’m not marooned, I’m making best friends. how many monkeys are you friends with pirates? None? Tell your dumb parrot I say hi.

Look, I realize I still have a lot of anger about the whole “walk the plank pirate marooning death” situation, and I think its important for me to express my anger in a healthy way. 

So today I’m addressing this entry to my captors, my lovers, my betrayers: The Pirates

To One Legged William:

You have hurt me more than I can say. Without you William, I would never have left the safety of my apartment in Astoria. Never ventured out to the high seas. You are the reason this happened, and for that I can never forgive you. Such a sweet face, but such a black heart, and such an absent leg. You may not have thrown me from the ship, but you might as well have.

To Jumblin’ Jim:

You punched back. I know that. I punched first, you punched back. But you bit first Jim. You. Bit. First. Don’t forget that.

To Patch Eye Peter:

Your patch is fake and everyone knows you can see and no one wants to say it to your face but everyone talks about it behind your back and omg its so embarrassing for you just take it off and move on no one would blame you.

To Milking Molly:

I thought you were my only female companion on the ship… But post-maroon fight I see now that you were always just an chubby man with a high voice and a kind soul who I mistook for a woman because the name Molly seemed feminine to me, but that’s my fault. I made the mistake. For you Molly, I hold no grudge. God be with you.

To Burny Bert:

You set me on fire you son of a bitch. You were already going to throw me overboard and you set me on fire. Go to hell.

To First Mate Mcgill:

I offered help. I was there to help the crew, not hurt, you get so butt hurt every time you think someone trying to show you up. I hope someone throws you off a ship the next time you are trying to do your job to the best of your abilities and see how you like it. 

Finally to Captain Kork:

This isn’t over. I shall hunt your dreamy, swarthy, pirate ass to the ends of the earth…